Silly Grins

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

When Nothing Mattered

Nothing at all…

Maybe heartache puts a person there.
Yeah. Maybe heartbreak puts a person there in that position.
In that position on the bed, simply staring at the ceiling.

In a world of hurt.

And what is funny is that, despite his knowing that person was somehow wrong for him… what is funny is how inescapable the pain felt. Part of the brain was still able to think in terms of carrying out simple daily tasks… and there was still some room left to think about all that abstract shit… if there was anything left to really think about… there was a part of the self that was frighteningly amazed at how real the pain is even if it came from saying goodbye to someone who was not good for him. Guess that’s why it’s called a breakup… ‘cause things really do seem to break.  Those little parts of people they never knew they had.

Only this felt like someone had poured molten lead into the middle of his chest and it wasn’t going anywhere.

“Fuck...” he thought, “now I can understand why people are willing to do anything to make it go away.” That's when he decided that his ex... that's when he decided that she really was an asshole.

Then he got messed up.
Met up with messed up people.
And he stopped caring for a while. 
And the sex was great.

And now? The realization that not everyone has to live like this:

No. No reason to live around people who don't care in order to be able to find bliss. But it does seem to take a level of honesty that is not so easily understood by the self and others.

No... not after that. After that, nothing at all mattered… for a while anyway.


  1. I should be spending the rest of my life in Jail right now. Should be multiple life terms. Fortunately "They" never knew what they were looking for. Most folks I knew are dead or in Jail. My Facebook is small because the folks I ran with are mostly dead. Some of that is my fault but most of it is theirs.

    They made the bed they sleep in...a dirt one in some cases.

    It coulda been me.

    Here's a toast to still being free and alive...and appreciating what "alive" really means and not caring anymore that most folks don't.

    1. Free and alive. For some reason that's a feeling and an understanding that is all too rare. For me, that feeling is something that comes along in waves and is somewhat dependent on timing, effort, and being ready for it. At this point anyway. I've got a lot of respect (reverence?) for people who live alive and free.


  2. Yep. She really was an asshole...

    And I was an even bigger asshole for torturing myself by letting her back in time and again.

    Know thyself and to thine own self be true...

    1. Being there and doing that. I definitely put my hand in the fire one more time than I needed to. And, in some strange way, I kind of enjoy feeling a little bitter-sweet about it from time to time just to remind myself. But not for too long.

  3. "Only this felt like someone had poured molten lead into the middle of his chest and it wasn’t going anywhere."

    Are you sure it wasn't just a really greasy pizza?

    I've just recently started living my life to it's fullest, or at least to the degree I am willing to go. I was really depressed for years and years, and I finally was able, with the help of a friend, to move and then I became drunk for a whole year after that and then stop drinking and now I have a hell of a good life.

    I'm starting to erase the "what ifs" and slowly replacing many of them with "how it happened". Wow, I did one of those yesterday.

    1. A robust pizza would have been nice, topped off with some chilies for a reminder of good times. At that moment, the stomach wasn't much for wanting to eat and the mental after-burn was enough. Not like it would have mattered.

      Living life like there's no tomorrow, just a bunch of todays, one right after the other with each day offering a new set of opportunities. I am a firm believer in stewardship in terms of doing what I can to clean up as I go along despite my somewaht messy track record.

      Congratulations on making things happen.