Silly Grins

Thursday, July 7, 2011

"You have a family you know..."

"You have a family you know..." sounds oh so familiar. After over $1,000 worth of trans-Pacific Skype sessions with a counselor, 15 kilos closer to a flat-line, chest pains, glycerin tablets (can you say HEADACHE?!) and all that other stuff, I finally stopped giving a rat's ass about the hysteria coming from wifey. She must have noticed the tectonic shift. Like fuck if I'm going to roll over and kill my soul.

Yeah, I might die a little, each and every day, but for the family.

Yeah, I might die a little, but not all the way (not yet).

So much stuff to mop up. It's going to take some time, but I've got my policy. I kept telling myself that I'd been through some shit and now the reward is more of the same.  No way in hell I'm going to start to feel sorry for myself, not that again.

We got it good. Sometimes I really think people are idiots (especially now that I’m looking in the mirror).

I Want Everything…

“Instant coffee, instant sex, instant failure, instant success…
I want everything, I want it now.” - The Godfathers

Today's thoughts are on relationships and the price we pay....
Kind of like that Prince said, when that elevator called life starts to take you down...going Loco sometime means throwing everything you've got at it. 

Everything might include over a year's worth of weekly sessions, that over $1000 worth of in-your-face via Skype material. 

Wally: (Yawns) So what did you get out of it?

Fool: The four horsemen of the apocalypse:criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. (The link is useful for understanding the terms...I'm not advocating for or against the website linked...I just like the summary)

 Wally: (Smiles and then looks at his martini, wishing He had sent more olives...)

Fool: Thanks pal.

Who the hell is John Gottman? Honestly, I don’t know. But in terms of what he is to the the universe of ‘self help’…he’s Darth Vadar on a joyride in the Death Star. Mars and Venus…they’ve been obliterated. Nothing but stardust.

Apparently Gottman's got it with 90% accuracy (from the Predictions of divorce section). I just happened to have read Malcolm Gladwell's book and was a few months into spending more than a grand trying to keep it together. The counselor was merciless. 

"Look" he was saying, "you might not like it, but this is how it is..." He pulled no punches, delivering the good, bad, and ugly. 

What drove me so far is that I'd been wanting (needing?) to fuck on the floor, but was only ending up breaking shit.

Kind of like he was saying...

If you want this thing to work,
 you've got to put in the time. 
 And even at that, 
there are no guarantees. 

Really, we got it good. And we sometimes act like idiots. 
(Sometimes Rollins and Franks don't seem that far apart)


  1. Henry Rollins...His "Liar" video is one of the all
    time classics

    Play THIS in the background while skyping with the relationship guru and see him squirm or not...when he should. Draw out the utter superficiality I imagine lies behind him...or confirm his greatness.

    Imagine the scene. Play the song and imagine talking over it....if you have an ipad let the video play behind you in view. Talk about fucking with heads.

  2. Chris: I know that video. Reminded my of that scene in one of those Jackass flicks where the guy rings the doorbell and gets punched in the face...
    As for the counselor, I have to say that our sessions were good. He wasn't the feel-good Grey (Mars/Venus) type, he was trained on Gottman (who I imagine would be like talking to a Vulcan...Gottman is no relationship guru, he's more like Rainman, a technician, numbers guy). The way I found the counselor was that I needed someone who had a foot in the culture. They guy's wife is Japanese, so I didn't have to explain a lot. He got it. He's also qualified as an RN, so he's seen his fair share of shit and more (pardon the pun).
    Anyway, I'll watch the video again, right now.

  3. And now do push-ups because no one is really looking.

  4. Will you confuse my tiny little brain! I find myself having to do research every time I read you! haha, I love it!!
    I know a LOT of people can relate to the 2you have a family you know" thing, no doubt the root of many a divorce in this land!

  5. Corinne: Going into default mode seems matter where we spend our lives. But default mode as has a price we end up paying with our soul. Speaking of nurses and days of reckoning, the #1 of the top five for people who die is (probably repeating myself here)..."I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." That's why people like Rollins are so amazing. They give us something to shoot for, but we seem to ending up hitting our feet instead of our hearts. I don't trust anyone who says its easy. Some of the people I've been lucky to have spent time with tend to be the 50/50 types (definitely repeating self again here with the 50/50) in that half the people seem offended while the other half just kind of grin.

    (Edit:Gray with an "a" not an "e")

  6. Man..I'm always looking for the "shock" and sometimes miss the bad. I instinctively look for a chance to turn tables because I was forced to be in front of counselors. Very different than seeking one out and gaining benefit from their talents. Glad you found what you sought.

  7. Chris: Forced Me, I asked to be. Ended up in front of one who eventually broke down. Last session, I just sat and listened. Two years later, I found out through her daughter (I didn't know it was her daughter until just before the winter formal she'd invited me to...she was a year ahead of me and the valedictorian) that her mother's partner of almost ten years had passed away...just before our last session. About that 'dance'...yeah, it kind of turned heads. Some people started rumors when they heard about the two of us being asked by the police to move the borrowed car we thought we'd parked where no one would see us. So much for privacy. Her mother never told her that she'd been my counselor...which upheld the confidentiality thing. The dysfunctional people I was living with apparently never knew about the counseling sessions. for shock...Gottman's 'science' is to Gray's 'pop' what Badboy's 'Confessions' are to Japanophile 'bloggers'...

    As always, thanks for your time.

  8. going into default mode is not as easy as it sounds, I think? That too takes a lot of guts.

    One day I just realized I had so little to lose. But you really have to find yourself at the bottom of the well first before becoming eager to find your way out.

  9. So that's where Big was going when he walked out of the party? Looks like you are putting something together and making a move...never thought about it as a well.
    I'll be around.
    Thanks for stopping by.

  10. I shall ask him where he was going when I see him. He is kind of reclusive, you know.

    Aren't you thirsty?