Periphery

Context is necessary in order to drop in on the following wave of information. This message at the bottom of this post is what can be called a peripheral, sent out on request. The idea of having the message published is that this is exactly the kind of thing people need to know. 

Before the peripheral, my context must be given. Also, this explains a trip to the camera shop the other day (but not completely, not yet). I just made a special trip to say 'thank you' and explain that their services had helped me.

What feels like ages ago, but what must have only been a few weeks now... my good neighbor passed on. When I say good, I mean good in a way that few people may ever live up to. 

When my neighbor introduced himself, he crossed a line. He crossed a line where I was building my fence. A line that really wasn't there. Somehow he knew. His sincerity was completely disarming in a way that I can only recall coming close to maybe once in my life. 

When neighbor Good passed away, I was surprised to learn that he was 80. You see, his days were spent outside, beneath the sky, tending his garden. After more than 45 years of work and living in a flat in some big city that really could have been anywhere, after what must have been a few lifetimes,  he came back down for his last seven to tend the soil. 

Even though I might have thought he crossed a line when we first met, he was above it all. 

Later, I learned, that he'd spent his work-life walking the edge, steadily building those things that scrape the sky. He mentioned that when you are up to a certain level, you feel like you're somewhere special, away from the noise and chaos of the crowds. And if you look out over the horizon before a glance up at the sky, those lines down below all seem so pointless, arbitrary... 

The day we first met, there was something in his eyes. Maybe it was just me. He must have understood how beautiful the skywalk can be and how quickly we can fall. 

His fall was fast. From the time he was diagnosed till when his number was called was maybe two months. 

I'd taken a bunch of pictures of his garden and had them blown up to where he'd be able to see them with what vision he had left. Nobody was in his hospital room when I got there. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Not wanting him to strain himself on his way out for my sake, I held up a few of the photos for him to see and he croaked out a 'Thank you". 

We were planning on taking the kids in to see him the next morning. Which turned out to be too late.

His coffin was the first I've ever help carry. It was so light... so light. I was totally unprepared.

Just the other day, Wifey took me to be fitted for a double-breasted funeral suit. She said that I'd be needing to look good when we pay our respects next time and started naming off a long list of aunts, uncles, grandparents... 

I'm totally not ready for any of this. 

Now, for the periphery that was mentioned earlier. The following 'communication' took place between two people, one whose father was in what may be or may have been his final place. But that's not as important as what is in the message. 

(And, after having said farewell to neighbor Good, it helps me cope)

Whatever...

PERIPHERY

I remember from my time working at the hospital that often people would confuse letting someone die who was dying with killing someone.  Families would fight each other about pulling the plug (which is different than your scenario) and families would disagree about stopping food and water.  

If your Dad can make that decision, it would be best if he is the one to do so.  How to frame the discussion may be impossible now, if he really isn't clear enough.  If it was discussed in the past, it would be helpful. He may still be enjoying being with you all and that is good and it may prolong his life, which may still hold value for him.  In that case, he may be with you for longer than seems possible, given what you see.  The will to live can't be seen.

I mentioned before that if he starts swelling up it might be a time to really, really restrict water because of the discomfort.  If he keeps drinking, he could possibly last way beyond 3 weeks and everyone may need to be prepared for the possibility and think about what that may mean regarding getting some extra help. You could all be totally exhausted without some more assistance.

If he has said he is ready and really WANTS to not prolong the discomfort and can understand that he can choose to stop eating and drinking and that doing so will not be painful, but rather easier and that if there is pain for any reason, there are medications he can take and still be aware and alert, then it is kind not to force him to eat to keep his family happy.

Who are they doing it for?  

If he answers the simple questions and seems alert, ask him if he wants to talk, then give him space to talk.  Just letting him know you are willing to listen to whatever he has to say.

Whatever.

You or anyone else could also ask, "Do you want to rest or talk right now?"  You could ask that periodically, depending upon how alert he seems.

Again, if he is worn out and this isn't the end but the response to events, let him rest as much as possible and be quietly present.

Is your Mom able to just sit with him and hold his hand?  

A calming and comforting touch is to place one's hand slightly low on his solar plexus.  

And so it goes. Personally, I'm not counting on ever being so lucky. But it sure is nice to know that some people are. Until then, it's what we make of it that counts.

(Unedited)