Adrenaline Placebo

Angry I become, if time is not used wisely.  

Adrenaline junkie I am not.

Some people are. They make movies. They make big, fast, and furious movies.

(Mouthing the words)

Big

Fast

Furious

With MUSCLE, TITS and ASSES

(Now screaming)

CAN YOU FEEL IT?!!!!

We couldn’t.  

We couldn’t feel it because something went horribly wrong when our suspension failed us. We'd been looking at a chassis. No pumps. No bump.

While the sensitivity of an individual’s special-effects g-spot may change and ‘mature’ over time, effectively raising the bar in terms of what it takes to make us hard/wet… when the suspension of disbelief gives out, it kind of spoils the mood. Everything goes flat.

No amount of horse-power or explosions can bring it back once it is gone.

Now, despite Fast Five’s copious amounts of bigness, fastness, and fury-assness, all of which require the right amount of cinema magic... what spoiled it for us were the tits and asses. On a number of levels. While the real experts may all have their own opinions, this rant is in no way an attempt to discredit them or argue the finer points Cowzilla and Instantdeath bring up (third and fourth reviews).

Truth is, Wifey and I have never been to Brazil... but we damn well know what carnival backsides look like. So, when we saw the following scene:

(Double wammy of WTF moments occur at the 28 and 36 second mark)

She's almost dead-cat thin.

When we saw the scene, we were like, “No… no way in hell any man born and bred in the Land of 1000 World Cups is going to try to put his hand on something that simply isn’t there.” 

Wifey is Japanese. And she was shocked at the lack of ass. We both were. That was made evident by our spontaneously, synchronized gasp-laughter. A body's lack of booty caused our suspension of disbelief to drop off for the remainder of the show. The damage was done. That one scene will be forever burned into our tiny minds.

Sorry D-Rock. Sorry V-D.

Just so hard not to want to laugh (maybe because it helps reduce the pain). Although the beloved stars make serious bank, their performances come off as comedy. It's all due to the lack of suspension. When you go over the top, you don't want to forget about the bottom. That line was crossed. No amount of synchronized car crashes can make up for that.

There's got to be some special rating somewhere that could warn of such Hollywoodery. 

Now, please forgive this blog for taking some of your most valued time. If you have been damaged by the viewing of the previous scene, perhaps the following clip will help heal the mental trauma. 

Under normal circumstances, I am not prone to listening to rap, butt this calls for something special. Exxxtra special. 

Sir Mix-a-Lot should have been the casting agent for Fast Five. We can only imagine.

 Embrace it, shake it, and be healed. 

*Be careful if you dare watch the fifth installment of the Fast and Furious franchise... cause it sounds like they're sayin'"It's a trap!" 

Ahmen.